my life. my love. my story.

my life. my love. my story.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Let's talk about #Arizona

I know that the Lord works in His time & in His way.  He is there for us and He is aware of us.  But how many of us actually know that. 

I recently graduated from Brigham Young University- Idaho. 

It was an exciting but very unnerving event.  I wasn't really sure what to do with my life.  I wasn't sure where I was supposed to move to or where I was supposed to work. 

After not really thinking it over I decided on Utah.  In all honestly I didn't really want to go there for work.  I wanted to go there so I could be close to my family and see them all the time.  After applying for some jobs in Utah and getting some great responses I wasn't really feeling it.  In fact, I wasn't feeling it at all. 

So.  With that feeling I wondered...what was I supposed to do now? 

I was conflicted. 

After all, my whole life I had been taught to go to college, get married and have babies. Since I had only done one of these things (and completely out of order from everyone else my age) I was confused.  Majorly confused.

So I started applying to jobs in the most random of places, hoping that I would get a response from someone and just feel that it was THE place and that was THE job.  I got some great responses from companies in Hawaii, Alaska, Washington D.C and Texas for starters. 

But I still wasn't feeling it. 

So I pulled up a list of all the states and the major cities in the US.  I glanced over it quickly and the only place that caught my eye was Arizona.  Ewwww.  Really Arizona?  I mean I like the heat and dislike the cold.  But do I actually like the heat enough to live on the surface of the sun and the middle of hell?  Not really. 

So I went about looking for other places.  Nothing felt right.  Nothing felt good. 

Until about three weeks before I was supposed to graduate I went back to the idea of Arizona.  That's when I started to feel some peace and a sense of direction. 

So I went to the Lord to ask for confirmation.  Was this really what I was supposed to do?  Was I supposed to stand on my own two feet in Arizona and try to build a career out of scratch?  Could I actually do it?  I guess so...because he sent me on my way!

I packed up my car the night of graduation and the morning after and started my journey to Arizona!  I have many hesitations about being here and making the right decision but I then think back to the confirmation that I received and feel comfort. 

I know that it  might not be easy.  It might not work out how I want it to.  It might take a while for me to get a job or find a place to live.  But I am learning that the Lord's timing can be my timing if I allow it. 

So here's to the end of my undergrad, the start of grad school prep, new adventures, beginning a career, making new friends and finding constant comfort in the decision I make with the help of the Lord.

I testify that the Jesus Christ, my Saviour and your Saviour, knows each and everyone of us.  He cares enough to teach us and help us.  He wants us to succeed.  If we allow him in our life we will do just that!  Allow yourself to move forward in life in His timing.  Because when you do, is when everything will start to come together!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

let's get #REAL

I have had this idea lately.  I wanna talk about things that are not often talked about.  Let's get #REAL.  Let's talk about things that make us uncomfortable.  Things that we face on a daily basis.

Let's start with depression.

I was diagnosed with depression on Thursday February 14, 2013.

I knew I had depression.

I was angry.

I was bitter.

I was upset and mad ALL the time.

I cried constantly.

I cried over nothing and yet it seemed to me that I was crying over everything.

I knew that I needed to do something about my depression.  I wasn't sure exactly what to do.  But I did know that I wanted help.

Because after all my life felt like it was falling apart.

My depression got really bad on a Tuesday February 12th 2013.   I thought there was nothing to live for.  There was nothing that I could do that would make me feel better.  I was ready to give up.  I contemplated it.  I considered it.  It seemed I wanted it.  I wanted it all to end.

Because I am such an introvert I didn't talk about it.  I couldn't talk about it.  I didn't know what to talk about.  Who would I even talk to about it.  Nobody would understand how I felt and they wouldn't know what to do.

On Wednesday morning I called and made an appointment with the doctor for the following day.  I wanted help.  I needed help.  I was hopeful that this was the start to feeling normal again.  To feeling like myself again.

I wasn't nervous to go to the doctor.  After all I knew the doctor was the one that would help me and teach me about what was wrong in my brain and what I could do to help myself.  I wasn't nervous.  Until I walked into the doctor office.  I instantly became nervous.  So nervous I thought I was going to throw up.  I sat in the waiting room for just a few minutes before I was called back into the actually doctors office.  When the doctor came in the room my nerves were calmed and I felt a sense of relief.

He asked what I was in for that day and the tears started flowing.  Despite the tears I wanted to tell him what was wrong and I wanted to get help.  So I did.  And my doctor was great.  He listened and asked just the right questions.  He helped me remain cool calm and collective.

And then he carefully and thoughtfully explained what was going on in my brain.  He explained the our brains normally produce something called Serotonin.  It is what helps us feel happy.  My brain was lacking Serotonin and there were a few things that I could do to increase the Serotonin in my brain.  One of those things was taking a medicine called Zoloft.  My doctor explained what it would do and how it would help me.  He explained that it was a slow release medicine and that it could take up to four weeks for me to feel the effects of it.  Although I was nervous about that I felt hope.  I felt an excitement!  I felt excited that I would feel normal again.  Feel myself.

I think it was defiantly the placebo effect but I began feeling better within days.  The placebo effect or not I felt better!!

Although I knew that this would not be the end I knew that it would be the beginning of a change.  I knew that it would not shield me from bad days but that with this help I would be able to face them with a brighter outlook.

It has now been over a year since I was diagnosed with depression and since I sought help.  I have had bad days and I have had good days.  But working for it has helped me realize that I can do hard things.  I don't have to give up.  That there are better days ahead.  And I can face it!!!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Things as they really are.

There is no denying it. 

This is truth.  

Have a watch.

Monday, February 24, 2014

No wonder children are ill behaved.

I recently took a short flight from Salt Lake City Airport to the Kansas City Airport, by way of Denver Colorado.  I am no stranger to traveling and have never been bothered by children on flights.  Afterall, it can be painful for some adults.  Just image a small child going through that but not understanding the reasoning behind it. 

Usually parents work very hard at making their children feel comfortable and helping their children act as appropriately as possible for such a small confined space.  I have seen some parents come up with some very clever ways to distract and entertain their children!  Those ideas often work wonders.  Their children enjoy those flights and so does everyone around them!!!

However, on my most recent trip I was completely shocked by the last of respect a family had while traveling with their two young children.  These children were wildly ill behaved and after observing them for an hour and a half I no longer wonder why.  The children were disrespectful, disobedient and outright rude to their parents.  The hardest thing for me to watch was their parents laughing at their disrespect and poking fun of their disobedience. 

What happened to the good old days when children listened to their parents and did what they asked?  When children didn't sass everything that came out of their parents mouths??  Is this the result of the world that we live in? Or just the result of a few inapt parents?  Either way...I am scared for my posterity.  But find comfort in the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that teach parenting as an act of love and use the Savior as the purest example of obedience.  And because of that I can put my fear aside and rejoice in the opportunity to raise children at this time!  I rejoice in the knowledge that I was saved specifically for this dispensation of time!!! And like the Stripling Warriors in the Book of Mormon my children will not doubt- because their mother had taught them!!
Alma 56: 47 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
 48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

 A great talk about parenting can be found HERE or HERE!!  Read both if you feel so inclined!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Spontaneity is the key to my happy heart!!

When I am happy I am doing what my heart wants!!!  But sometimes my heart wants what it can't have! 

Last week I wanted some sense of home.  Some sense of what makes me who I am!  So I went to Cedar City to spend the weekend with Melanie, Mark and her kids!  

It was just what I needed!

It made me happy!  
I mean who wouldn't be happy after seeing sweet baby Gia!!

 This girl!  I could snuggle with her all day if you let me!  She is a sweet baby who is content with everything!!  Just seeing her smile makes me smile! 

Here are the other two babes that make me happy!!!  Maliza- is turning 6 at the end of this month!!  My heck!  Where did the baby go?!?  & Conrad is 3!  & a spitfire!! 

On Saturday we went down to St. George to play in the sand!  

It was nice to see the sun!

Now it is back to reality and back to life in Rexburg!  A life that I chose and I get to be happy about!!!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Count your blessings.

I have bad days.  Just like everyone else. 

I used to handle them much better than I do now.  I used to make a list of the things in my life that made me happy- my blessings.  Now I just seem to drown in my sorrows, forgetting my blessings.  

But I had a realization.  An epiphany of sorts.   

I am blessed beyond measure.  & all that I have I owe to God.  To a loving Heavenly Father who loves me, who knows me and who blesses me beyond measure.  He has allowed me to experience so much in this life that brings me great joy!!!! That joy that I feel is what gets me through!  

Because of this realization I have decided to count my blessings.  I am going to take time everyday to remember the blessings that I have in my life.  After all, some of the things that I take for granted in my life can be what someone else is praying for. 

Today I am grateful that God answers prayers.  Even the lowly prayers of farmers in Idaho who need moisture.  I am grateful for life long friends!  I am grateful that I know that Jesus Christ atoned for my sins.  I am grateful for the ability I have to gain an education.  I am grateful for the sun, the ocean & the forest.  I am grateful for my mission to Australia!!!  I am grateful that I have endless amounts of paper to doodle on!  Tonight when I kneel down to pray I will remember the countless blessings that I have been given- despite my selfish attitude!!

Food for thought!

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Israel, Israel, God is Calling.

This is a phenomenal talk.

As usual Elder Holland puts it so well.  
Perhaps this is my favorite section.

"Israel, Israel, God is calling,
Calling thee from lands of woe.
Babylon the great is falling;
God shall all her tow’rs o’erthrow. …
Come to Zion, come to Zion,
And within her walls rejoice. …
Come to Zion, come to Zion!
Zion’s walls shall ring with praise.

In effect, this has been Israel’s history down through the ages. When things got too sinful, or there was too much secularization in society, or life with the Gentiles was destroying the moral code and commandments God had given, the children of the covenant would be sent fleeing into the wilderness to reestablish Zion and start all over again."

The Lord teaches us through patterns.  I like patterns.  I like knowing what happened before and especially knowing that others have been through what I have been through and survived.  I like Zion.  I love knowing that one day Zion's walls will ring with praise.

Until then.


Until Elder Holland speaks to us again.